They say that waking up is hard to do...


The hard truth is my early life was not filled with what you would call "good examples". To use a phrase here that I use often I did not know what "right looked like". All I really knew is where I was, was not right, it was not were I was suppose to be. What I did not know, probably still do not know, is where exactly I was supposed to be.

As part of a program I am watching/taking part in I am suppose to write about a profound moment in my life, an event that shaped me.

The event that comes to mind is my first big "waking up" or what I, not so delicately, call my "holy shit" moments. These are moments were I am lucky enough to realize this is not where I am suppose to be and that my life is going to change because of it.

Even before the moment I am going to write about happen I was always nagged by the feeling that, "this doesn't seem right". Although by accounts, by everyone around me, it was right, it was normal and I was being abnormal for questioning it. For the record, this is a tough way to grow up.

I guess it would help to explain that the moment below happen right after I graduate high school so the moments before this where when I was a kid and being a kid is tough enough without being an abnormal kid.

I believe it was some months after I graduated... on a side note I say "some months" because for some reason recalling time is always weird for me. It all mushes together and it may have been a month or it may have been six months.

Anyway... I had recently (again see above note about time) "loss" my job. By that I mean I was working for some guy my Mom "knew" and he up and left town. I had no job, I had no money, I had no plan, and I had no one asking about any of that. And I remember for some reason this was all okay with those people around me.

Early in the year, in a steller personal growth moment I had moved out of my Mom's house and into an apartment (aaannnnd by apartment I mean the two rooms" on the back of my Mom's house)

On this morning, and by that I mean somewhere probably closer to noon, I woke up and made my way to my Mom's kitchen

and found donuts. Score! (I can only assume it was a weekday because everyone was gone, I can only assume they were all at jobs, they had those.) I remember putting several donuts on a plate and making my way to my Mom's living room. I mean I didn't have cable, I am pretty sure I did not even have TV. I remember sitting the PLATE of donuts down in front of me, turning on the TV and some sort of soap opera was on, AND I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE STORY! I remember in blinding flash of self awareness I suddenly realized I was living with my Mom, sitting/lying on her couch, with a plate of donuts (that I didn't even buy) on the table in front of me, I was overweight, under employed, had no plans, I was watching TV on a weekday (apparently something I did quite a bit since I was "all caught up").

HOLY SHIT!

19 days later I left for the Army. And that began a whole lifetime of waking up moments.

#selfimprovement #realization #try #action

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